The idea that couples should communicate and solve their problems is a myth

Many of the habits of a tacitly accepted relationship in our culture erode intimacy, trust and happiness. Traits that do not fit our traditional narrative of what love is and what love should be they are really necessary ingredients for the success of a lasting relationship.

No need to speak it all

The investigator John gottman He is an expert in couple dynamics. He even says he is able to know if a marriage will succeed in just 15 minutes.

Gottman devised the process of "fine cut" relationships, a technique that links couples with all kinds of biometric devices and then records them having small conversations about their problems. Gottman analyzes the conversation frame by frame, looking at the biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. Then, combine all this data to predict whether your marriage works or not.

And the first thing Gottman says after so many years of analysis is that the idea that couples must communicate and solve all their problems is a myth.

In his investigation of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for more than 40 years, he found again and again that the most successful couples have unresolved persistent problems, unresolved problems that for which they have sometimes been fighting for decades.

Meanwhile, many of the couples without success insisted on resolving everything because they feared there was a disagreement between them.

People like to fantasize about "true love." But if there is such a thing, it sometimes requires us to accept things that we don't like. Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict, from time to time, is inevitable, and that there will always be certain things that we don't like about our partners or that we don't agree with, and that that's fine.

A successful couple should not need to feel the need to change the other to love him. And you should not let some disagreements get in the way of what would otherwise be a happy and healthy relationship. The truth is that trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it solves.. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the optimal relationship strategy is: "live and let live."